I’m going to say it right off the top. I’m a messed up person.
All my years on this earth i have been struggling. At an early age i was put with this stigma, being told i was crazy by family and friends. I pushed through all that, somehow convincing myself i was fine.
For quite sometime i was just fine. I had separated myself from my family and all my supposed friends that i felt caused me me so much pain. I was in a new place and made new friends. Friends that were just as messed up as me.
Then that stopped working. So i went home. Then once again i was fine. My family had noticed i had changed. That i had grown up. However, i still hurt inside. I was lonely and scared. I always seem to be lonely and scared.
I would tell myself that if i just did this or did that i would be happy. If i found a real friend or started working from home. But there is always an empty spot in my heart.
Now i wound up in Alabama away from everyone i know because of all this. Feeling as though my world was crumbling almost daily. Something had to be done and now! I couldn’t continue to live this way. I deserve better and so do my kids.
So when my world disappeared ad i know it i searched my heart. Something told me to go to church. I found a non-denominational church close to home.
This place was filled with love. I felt it from the moment i walked in the door. But i had a hard time accepting all of it at first.
My mom had raised me in the Lutheran church, but as a teenager i pushed Christianity under the bus. I thought that it was all fake. Instead i tried to finf solace in other religions.
I had predispositioned myself to question truth.
Now i reached a point where the question was no longer is this true? But rather, why do i have such a hard time seeing the truth.
If i can believe in witchcraft, Tao, and any other religion i tried to fill that emptiness with than why can’t i believe in the word?
My conclusion, i have spent so much time looking for truth that when i see it i can’t see it.
When i realized this i finally opened my heart up. I let the word in my heart.
Something amazing happened since then. I no longer feel lonely. I no longer feel scared. I’m not going to say things are perfect. Life isn’t perfect.
I have found the best friend i could ever have. I don’t need to scroll through my phone book looking for someone to talk to. I just look at the sky and talk. I am always listened to. And he is never ever to busy for me.
I am free.
Thanks for stopping by. Pleasant journey to you. Till next time. 🙂
P.S. sorry about any grammar errors. I’m posting from my phone.
When I started this blog I was afraid. I was scared that if I opened up and let the world know who I was that I would be judged for having bipolar and border line personality disorder. So I made my blog anonymous, but I notice it is hindering my creative side. It’s taking away from my authenticity. Therefore, over the next few days I will be changing my about me page to real names and will even start posting pictures of us.
I am no longer afraid of who I am. I am free to be me. I have come to terms with this.
If anyone feels the need to judge me that is their deal. It is life. People judge.
I look forward to opening up and sharing more about me and my family, and how we deal everyday with this mishaps of life as well as the joys. I look forward to sharing the tips I’ve learned along the way.
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read. Pleasant journey to you. Till next time. 🙂
One of the things about being bipolar and borderline personality is despite how inspired or goal orientated I intend to be things get a little chaotic and it’s easy to get distracted. With the upcoming adventures I have it is so very important for me to keep focused.
For years I’ve been trying to work from home, but I had given up. I got tired of trying to push a business onto someone who really was interested. I experienced several hurdles, many of which stemmed from having bipolar and borderline personality. Another hurdle was the financial issues that I went through.
I never let go of the idea that it is possible to earn an income doing something I love. Over the last few months I have been trying to decipher all sorts of information, trying to pin point exactly what I want to do without being obtrusive to others.
“Hey Mom, do you think I can go to my friends on Friday?” Wild Flower asks on Tuesday.
“Sure, that sounds ok” I say.
Friday comes along and I’m having an awful day. Binks is off the wall with his ADHD, and I’m lurking on the point of sullen depression from the stress. I haven’t showered because I’ve spent the whole day just trying to get Binks to sit still for 3 minutes.
As the days go by I find myself getting more and more interested in blogging. Not only am I facing one of my biggest fears, which is writing, I am getting increasingly intrigued in knowing what others like myself have to say.
I was looking around at other people’s blogs about mental illness and found an article that I thought I must share. The article is It’s all in the mind.
Ok, I admit it. I’m a bit on the poor side. I’m a single mom with very little income, just trying to make it thru the day. It’s not easy, but we manage.
If you read an earlier post of mine, Get Lost in a Good Read,then you may have figured out that one of my interests is reading.